By Geralyn Dexter, LMHC
Geralyn is passionate about empathetic and evidence-based counseling and developing wellness-related content that empowers and equips others to live authentically and healthily.
Signs of Manipulative Behavior
Geralyn has a Ph.D. in psychology and is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and wellness content writer. She has experience providing evidence-based therapy in various settings and creating content focused on helping others cultivate well-being.
Published on February 24, 2022
Steven Gans, MD, is board-certified in psychiatry and is an active supervisor, teacher, and mentor at Massachusetts General Hospital.
Table of Contents
Table of Contents
Manipulation refers to strategies and behaviors a person uses to gain power or influence over another. These tactics often include attempts to damage another person’s emotional and mental well-being.
Emotional manipulation affects the dynamics of a relationship. A manipulative person often engages in harmful behaviors over time, creating an imbalance of power. The impact can be devastating, leaving a person feeling confused, isolated, or even depressed.
Read on to learn more about emotional manipulation, as well as signs, causes, and how to cope.
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What Is Manipulative Behavior?
Manipulative behavior includes actions a person uses to gain influence or control over someone else. These behaviors may include:
- Lying
- Denying
- Passive-aggressive behavior
- Gaslighting
- Silence
- Criticizing
- Withholding
- Blaming
- Getting a person outside of their comfort zone to give themselves an advantage
People who manipulate others may have difficulty identifying and expressing their wants and needs appropriately and healthily.
Manipulative behavior can also serve other purposes. For instance, control and manipulation can help the manipulator by:
- Causing doubt and confusion
- Helping them avoid conflict
- Concealing their true intentions
- Allowing them to avoid responsibility for their behavior
- Not having to change their behavior
Emotional Manipulation
Emotional manipulation can feel like a person is playing mind games, because it can cause:
- A person to question what is happening in their relationship and environment
- Fear and doubt
- Degrading trust in self and others
This helps the manipulator gain power over another individual and undermine their ability to think rationally.
How Common Is Manipulation?
Sadly, manipulation occurs more often than people think. While emotional manipulation and related tactics can be used in any type of relationship, data on intimate relationships provides some insight. One study revealed that 40% of women and 32% of men report expressive aggression in relationships, while 41% of women and 43% of men experience coercive control.
Tactics
Some tactics of emotional manipulation include comparing, lying, exaggerating, withholding important information or valuable items, and silence. Each of these behaviors can be detrimental to mental and emotional safety. Understanding tactics and signs, like the ones listed below, can help people spot them.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a tactic that causes a person to question their reality. This may involve a manipulator lying, denying things they’ve said, twisting facts, and using a person’s words against them. Over time, this creates uncertainty and doubt, and can cause a person to second-guess their experiences.
Passive-Aggression
A person may use passive-aggressive statements or behaviors, which can lead to feelings of distress when the other person’s behavior doesn’t match their words.
An example of passive-aggressive behavior is when a person behaves as if they are upset or disappointed without directly communicating it.
Criticizing or Judging
These manipulation tactics help someone gain power by making others feel inadequate and inferior. A manipulator may make harmful and damaging statements about a person’s appearance, personality, insecurities, circumstances, and more.
Blaming
Blaming is a way of avoiding responsibility for one’s words and actions. A manipulator may assign fault to the other party to keep the focus off of themselves. This can lead to feelings of guilt and misplaced responsibility.
Location Advantage
To give themselves the upper hand, a manipulator may find ways to get someone out of their comfort zone or environment they are familiar with, which puts the other individual at a disadvantage. It can be disorienting to be in a strange environment and have someone exert control. This can lead to feelings of fear and powerlessness.
Help Is Available
If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates.
For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
Signs
It may seem easy to recognize emotional manipulation when it is happening to others, but challenging to see when you are in the midst of it yourself.
The following are some signs of controlling or manipulative behavior:
- Unclear expression of wants and needs
- Making excuses, minimizing, or rationalizing
- Lying, denying, and deception
- Crying outbursts or fits of rage
- Using language that is difficult to understand
- Coercive behaviors
- Withholding affection or communication
- Judging, ridiculing, or criticizing
- Guilt trips and ultimatums
- Giving someone the “silent treatment”
- “Just kidding” or joking when saying hurtful things
Feeling like you’re walking on eggshells or being afraid to speak up or address boundaries may be other signs a person is in an unhealthy situation.
Every person is responsible for themselves and how they communicate with and treat others. It’s important to remember that emotional manipulation is never the fault of the person on the receiving end of the behavior.
Manipulative Language
Here are some examples of statements a manipulator might make:
- “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You must have imagined it.”
- “If you truly cared about me and trusted me, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation.”
- “There’s no need for you to be this upset right now. You’re overreacting.”
- “You’re so selfish. The reason we keep fighting is because of you.”
- “If you don’t attend this business dinner, it shows how little you care about advancing in your career.”
Causes
Some possible causes of manipulative behavior include:
- Dysfunctional relationships: Dysfunctional relationships during childhood may contribute to unhealthy communication patterns and behavior models.
- Personality disorder: Some research shows personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder or people with narcissistic traits, may be more likely to engage in manipulative behaviors.
- History of abuse: A history of certain types of abuse may lead someone to not feel safe communicating their needs directly and can make a person vulnerable to developing manipulative behaviors.
How to Stop Being Manipulative
Every person is in charge of their behavior and decisions. It is possible for people who use manipulative tactics to change their behavior.
Some strategies to stop emotional manipulation may include:
- Recognizing and identifying harmful behaviors
- Accepting responsibility for actions and contributions
- Learning healthier and more effective ways to communicate wants and needs
Seeking professional support can help manipulators choose different paths. Therapy can be a safe space to explore thoughts, feelings, and behavior, learn to spot issues and develop communication, problem-solving, and relational skills.
How to Cope With a Manipulative Person
It may be hard to identify controlling and manipulative behaviors. While you can’t prevent the behaviors—because you aren’t responsible for them—you can take care of yourself to reduce the impact.
While you may feel empathy for the other person, it’s important to know that responses like arguing, criticizing, threatening, blaming yourself, and placating the manipulator may only empower them and perpetuate their behavior. In addition, these behaviors may provoke anger and intensify situations.
Before addressing a concern with a manipulator, it’s essential to make sure a person feels safe and able to do so. Consulting a trusted individual or professional can help assess the situation.
Protect Yourself
When a person seeking power and control begins to lose it, their behavior can escalate or become erratic. During this time, it’s vital to take care of yourself, ensure your own safety, and make decisions about what feels healthiest for you regarding the relationship.
The following are some ways to cope with manipulative people.
Partner
To manage a manipulative partner, it’s helpful to:
- Acknowledge that manipulation tactics are being used in the relationship.
- Talk about the impact of those tactics, and be direct in expressing your needs and how both parties can communicate more effectively.
- Accept contribution to problems and frame your concerns in a way that shares your perspective without assigning and emphasizing blame.
- Set and enforce boundaries. Couples or marriage counseling can be a great way to get an added layer of support.
Taking care of yourself individually through counseling, support from loved ones, or self-care and stress management strategies can help with healing.
Parent
Coping with an emotionally manipulative parent can be tough. Address your concerns calmly and concisely by sharing your perspective on what’s happening and how it impacts the dynamic. Be upfront about what you need and how the relationship can be improved.
If needed, find a trusted individual who can help facilitate the conversation. Family therapy may be a resource to help families identify problems and improve relationships.
Friend
To help manage manipulative behavior in a friendship, be clear about what you need in the relationship and provide helpful solutions to improve the situation. You get to decide what your boundaries are and have the freedom to say “no” if something doesn’t feel right.
Remember, you can always choose to end a friendship or any other kind of relationship if it doesn’t feel healthy for you.
Colleague or Boss
Addressing manipulative behavior in the workplace can be particularly challenging, especially if you fear you are risking losing your job and your livelihood. But it’s important to have an honest conversation about the impact of the behavior and how it impacts you in the workplace.
If you are unable to resolve the issue amongst yourselves, it may be time to inform a supervisor or manager.
Involve Human Resources
If possible, you can contact your Human Resources (HR) representative to get guidance on how to approach or navigate the situation. This may be a good place to start if the concern is with your boss or a professional relationship in which there is a power difference.
Summary
Manipulation is when a person uses controlling and harmful behaviors to avoid responsibility, conceal their true intentions, or cause doubt and confusion. Manipulation tactics, such as gaslighting, lying, blaming, criticizing, and shaming, can be incredibly damaging to a person’s psychological well-being. These behaviors are common and can occur in different relationships, including platonic, romantic, familial, and professional. Resources and support are available for people who want to change their behavior or are healing from their relationship with a manipulator.
A Word From Verywell
It can be hard to spot emotional manipulation. Healing from a relationship in which controlling or manipulative tactics were used can also be difficult. Recognizing the signs of manipulation can help you begin to identify if a situation feels unhealthy or unsafe for you. Establishing boundaries, developing effective communication skills, and seeking support from loved ones or a trusted professional are helpful ways to take care of yourself. If you use these tactics and want to change your behavior, you can start by seeking out a mental health professional.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the difference between persuasion and manipulation?
Persuasion differs from manipulation in that it appeals to an individual’s understanding to convince or move them in a particular direction. Alternately, manipulation often undermines a person’s sense of reality and emotional safety to influence them.
How does manipulation work?
A manipulator may use tactics unintentionally or intentionally. The behaviors may start gradually and can escalate over time. Manipulation involves repeated strategies that diminish another person’s well-being to assert power over them. Emotional manipulation is harmful. The person on the receiving end may feel disoriented, question their reality, or doubt their ability to trust themselves or others.
What does manipulation look like?
Manipulation can be subtle or overt. People of all ages, genders, races, and orientations can be on the receiving end of manipulation. Manipulative behaviors include gaslighting, denial, lying, blaming, criticizing, exaggerating, withholding, and more.
What is another word for manipulator?
Other words used to describe manipulators often refer to their behavior. For example, sometimes manipulators are referred to as “emotional manipulators,” “exploiters,” or “controllers.”
Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
- Karakurt G, Silver KE. Emotional abuse in intimate relationships: the role of gender and age. Violence Vict. 2013;28(5):804-821. doi:10.1891/0886-6708.vv-d-12-00041
- Sweet PL. The sociology of gaslighting. Am Sociol Rev. 2019;84(5):851-875. doi:10.1177/0003122419874843
- Mandal E, Kocur D. Machiavellianism and manipulation tactics used by patients with borderline personality disorder in everyday life and in therapy. Psychiatr Pol. 2013;47(4):667-678.
By Geralyn Dexter, LMHC
Geralyn is passionate about empathetic and evidence-based counseling and developing wellness-related content that empowers and equips others to live authentically and healthily.
What Is Manipulative Behavior?
Odochi Ibe is a writer and expert in social justice, health and wellness, and documenting the human experience. You can find her playing with her cat and dog or deciphering the movements of the stars.
Updated on December 02, 2022
Table of Contents
Table of Contents
Interpersonal relationships are complex and require healthy boundaries for everyone to thrive together. However, when problems arise, such as manipulative behavior, they need to be addressed immediately.
Manipulative Behavior
Manipulative behavior is used when someone wants to influence a person for their benefit, to obtain power and control.
Although the manipulator may be subtle, it’s essential to spot the signs to stop the behavior and protect yourself.
Manipulative behavior can occur in personal and professional relationships and, over time, cause a power imbalance that leads to more problems down the road. Although seemingly harmless, it can create an emotionally abusive relationship leaving the other person feeling confused, anxious, and fatigued.
Learn more about the signs, causes, and coping strategies for manipulative behavior.
Characteristics of Manipulative Behavior
Manipulative behavior can be done consciously or subconsciously with ill or good intentions. It is a human trait, which means everyone has done something manipulative before. The tactics can be overt or subtle.
Some signs of manipulative behavior include:
- Someone knowing your weakness and exploiting it for personal gain
- Convincing a person to give up important people or things in their lives to create codependency
- Withholding the truth, lying, and blaming you without taking responsibility for their actions
- Making vague accusations
- A person constantly judging or ridiculing you, in person or in private, in ways that make you feel insecure
- Gaslighting when confronted with an issue
- Passive-aggressive behavior when angry instead of directly expressing their concerns
Manipulators have poor boundaries and experience difficulty healthily communicating their needs. They use these tactics to confuse you into giving up your power.
Types of Manipulative Behavior
Manipulative behavior and emotional manipulation go hand-in-hand. Playing mind games creates fear, questioning of your reality, and degrades trust in yourself and others.
Here are some forms of manipulative behavior:
- Gaslighting
- Passive aggression
- Criticizing
- Lying
- Shaming
- Isolation
- Denial
- Avoidance
- Intimidation
- Victimhood
- Flattery
Identifying Manipulative Behavior
The manipulator may have various reasons for their actions. Some may want to avoid accountability, others may purposely create confusion, or they may be dealing with a mental health condition that is affecting their behavior.
Understanding the tactics and signs can help you avoid the detrimental effects on your emotional well-being and relationships.
Gaslighting
The term was introduced to the public in 1938 in a play “Gas Light” by British novelist and playwright Patrick Hamilton. The play, which was later turned into a movie, revolves around a husband who manipulates his wife in order to institutionalize her. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that makes victims feel like their realities are made up.
This tactic may include various forms of manipulation, including lying, using what someone has said or done against them, and denying conversations. This kind of emotional abuse can cause someone to feel “crazy .”
Studies show that gaslighters will use gendered and racialized stereotypes against their victims to manipulate their realities. As this behavior continues, it can create doubt, anxiety, and depression.
Isolation
There is safety in numbers, which is why manipulators work to isolate you from the people and places you feel most comfortable. Once someone has distanced themselves from their community and is placed in an unfamiliar environment, the manipulator can take control.
In a recent study, researchers found that women reported experiencing more isolation than men.
Passive-Aggression
Passive-aggressive people are indirect, but it is still a form of aggression. It’s categorized as any behavior intended to harm yourself or someone else directly or indirectly.
Those who have an issue with direct communication may use backhanded compliments, guilt trips, or talking behind your back to express disapproval of your behavior.
Research shows that passive aggression is a defense mechanism for emotionally immature people. Those who struggle with anorexia, acute stress disorders, and borderline personality disorder are more likely to use passive aggression during a conflict.
Love Bombing
Love bombing is a pattern of behavior where a partner is overly affectionate and shows extreme attention to their partner. This manipulation tactic includes grand overtures such as introducing you to their loved ones, constantly giving presents and even saying “I love you” very early into the relationship.
Love bombing may be a sign of narcissistic personality disorder or unhealthy attachment styles.
Causes of Manipulative Behavior
People use manipulation to hold undue power over others. This behavior differs from healthy forms of social influence because there’s no equitable exchange between individuals. One person is exploiting the other for personal gain.
Chronic manipulative behavior can be due to many factors such as:
- Family history: Growing up with manipulative family members can significantly influence someone’s survival mechanisms. In dysfunctional families where one may need to manipulate others to avoid punishment or get their basic needs met, learn to interact negatively with others. They might have learned unhealthy communication patterns and behaviors if there were struggles for power, control, love, or other perceived advantages.
- Mental Illness: Chronic manipulative behavior has been linked to people with attachment issues and mental health conditions such as borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.
- History of abuse: Experiencing certain forms of abuse can cause someone to feel unsafe communicating their needs directly, making them susceptible to forming manipulative behaviors.
Treatment for Manipulative Behavior
Long-term manipulation can negatively affect close relationships between friends, family, romantic partners, and colleagues.
Manipulative behavior can deteriorate relationships’ quality, leading to poor mental health or the ending of the relationship.
Dealing with this toxic behavior can become exhausting. Treatment for those with manipulative behaviors depends on the root of the issue. Therapy may be necessary if a mental health issue causes it.
Here are ways to stop manipulative behavior in its tracks:
- Seeking professional help to explore the problems in expressing your needs directly
- Take accountability for your role in the relationship
- Learning healthy forms of communication and boundaries within relationships
Manipulative tactics are destructive, but everyone is in charge of their behavior and can change.
Coping With Manipulative Behavior
Dealing with manipulative people is exhausting regardless of their role in your life. You may not realize a person is manipulating you because of the subtle signs that turn into more significant issues down the road.
Although it may be challenging to recognize or prevent these behaviors—because you’re not creating them—you can protect yourself from the fallout.
Learn to trust your gut when confronted with manipulative behavior. You can empathize with the other person without engaging in harmful behavior such as arguing, which may encourage them.
Here are some ways to set boundaries in relationships where manipulative behavior is present:
- Communicate clearly and directly about what you need or don’t like.
- Set boundaries and call out manipulative behavior when you recognize it happening. Let the person know that you will not participate in the conversation if it continues.
- Find someone who is not under the influence of the manipulator and ask for their advice on the matter.
A Word From Verywell
Someone manipulating you isn’t your fault, but you need to look out for your best interests. Be careful when deciding to confront someone. The possibility that they may lose their power or control over a situation or person may cause them to be more erratic. Take care of yourself and make the healthiest and safest choices for you.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
- APA dictionary of psychology. Manipulation
- Sweet PL. The sociology of gaslighting. Am Sociol Rev. 2019;84(5):851-875.
- Karakurt G, Silver KE. Emotional abuse in intimate relationships: The role of gender and age. Violence Vict. 2013;28(5):804-821. doi:10.1891/0886-6708.vv-d-12-00041
- Schanz CG, Equit M, Schäfer SK, Käfer M, Mattheus HK, Michael T. Development and psychometric properties of the test of passive aggression. Front Psychol. 2021;12:579183. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.579183
- Fraley RC, Roisman GI. The development of adult attachment styles: four lessons. Current Opinion in Psychology. 2019;25:26-30. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2018.02.008
- Brüne M. Borderline personality disorder: why ‘fast and furious’? EMPH. 2016;2016(1):52-66.
- Green A, Charles K. Voicing the victims of narcissistic partners: a qualitative analysis of responses to narcissistic injury and self-esteem regulation. SAGE Open. 2019;9(2):215824401984669. doi:10.1177/2158244019846693
By Odochi Ibe
Odochi Ibe is a writer and expert in social justice, health and wellness, and documenting the human experience. Her work has been featured in FCBHealth, Quartz.com, Nike, and The New York Times.
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