Create boundaries. Be clear about your boundaries. It may upset or disappoint the narcissist, but that’s OK. Remember, it’s not your job to control that person’s emotions, Perlin says.
How to Handle a Narcissist
You may wonder if your partner, co-worker, or family member is a narcissist. While many people have what doctors call narcissistic traits, like self-importance and entitlement (thinking they’re owed something), people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder can be a bigger challenge.
“Living with a narcissist requires a different or more advanced emotional skill set,” says Kimberly Perlin, a licensed clinical social worker Towson, MD. She specializes in helping women in relationships with narcissists and also treats narcissists.
Having a narcissist in your life can be frustrating and emotionally challenging. Your relationship may revolve around them. You may feel judged and exhausted by their demands.
When she was a child, Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Santa Rosa, CA, didn’t realize her older sibling was a narcissist. “Growing up with this highly controlling person was extremely challenging,” she says. “It was only in my adult years that I came to realize this sibling was a deeply troubled narcissist.”
How to Spot a Narcissist
Narcissists have a strong sense of grandiosity. That means they think they’re more important than others and often seek out admiration.
One of Perlin’s clients is a perfect example. “A client I worked with for years terminated therapy with me when he saw my new website and was insulted that the website didn’t talk about him,” she says.
- Have a strong sense of grandiosity (they have high levels of self-esteem, self-importance, self-confidence, and often feel like they’re superior to others)
- Are arrogant
- Take advantage of others to get what they want
- Believe they’re unique or special
- Exaggerate achievements and talents
- Need constant admiration
- Feel envy toward others
- Believe others envy them
- Lack empathy
- Are obsessed with fantasies of brilliance, power, or success
- Have a sense of entitlement
Narcissists and Relationships
Manly learned a lot about narcissists from her older sibling and her experiences working with them. “I’ve learned that narcissists are the focus of their own lives. They often believe they’re perfect and blame others for issues that arise at work, home, or social situations.” she says.
Narcissists may do whatever it takes to get what they want. They generally don’t feel compassion and can’t connect intimately with others, even the people who are closest to them.
At work, a narcissist may seek admiration, even if it hurts others. They may take credit for other people’s work, undermine co-workers, or change their behavior to get approval from higher-level people. They may seem friendly and hard-working, but there’s often more to it than meets the eye.
At home, a narcissist can impact the whole family. If you’re in an intimate relationship with a narcissist, they may be highly critical of you, distant, and dismissive. You could feel invisible, disrespected, and lonely. If you’re a child of a narcissist, you may have been neglected or abused.
Sometimes it’s best to cut ties with a narcissist, especially if they’re abusive.
“For my own mental health, I’ve chosen to step back from investing in a personal relationship with my sibling,” Manly says. She accepts that her sibling doesn’t see their behavior as a problem and since her sibling has no desire for self-growth, an ongoing relationship will only lead to more frustration.
If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, expect it to be challenging. “Buckle up, it will be a very bumpy ride,” says Forrest Talley, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Folsom, CA. “It will be an extraordinarily taxing relationship.”
What to Do With a Narcissist
Take these steps to handle a narcissist:
Educateyourself. Find out more about the disorder. It can help you understand the narcissist’s strengths and weaknesses and learn how to handle them better. Knowing who they are may also allow you to accept the situation for what it is and have realistic expectations.
Create boundaries. Be clear about your boundaries. It may upset or disappoint the narcissist, but that’s OK. Remember, it’s not your job to control that person’s emotions, Perlin says.
Speak up for yourself. When you need something, be clear and concise. “Make sure they understand your request, Perlin says.
Stay calm. Try not to react if they try to pick a fight or gaslight you (making you doubt your own reality). If they lash out, think of them as a 3-year-old who feels rejected because their parent sets a bedtime, Talley says.
Create a support system. Living with a narcissist can lead to feelings of insecurity, confusion, and self-doubt. “Make sure you have a core group of people in your life that can support you,” Talley says.
Bring in a counselor. Therapy won’t cure your partner’s narcissism, but it may help you work certain things out. A counselor can show you ways to approach problem-solving with the narcissist.
What Not to Do With a Narcissist
Certain things may trigger problems with a narcissist, so it’s best to avoid them.
Don’t argue or confront. Manly finds it’s best not to confront a narcissist directly. As difficult as it may be to constantly tiptoe around them, it can be better to manage their need to feel in charge.
Don’t try to direct them. Narcissists like to have control and often fear losing it. “Efforts to lead or instruct a narcissist will often fail,” Manly says.
Don’t expect them to see your point of view. Narcissists don’t like to admit when they’re wrong or that they’re unlovable, so trying to make them see things your way could backfire.
Don’t expect deep, meaningful communication. “Narcissists have very little empathy, so honest, heartfelt communication often doesn’t get through and can even create an angry outburst or shutdown response,” Manly says.
Don’t go over past issues. Don’t try to make them see a long line of behavior dating back years — or how they’re just like their father, for example, Perlin says. Instead, stay in the present when you express requests or hurt feelings.
People with narcissistic personality disorder usually don’t change, so keep that in mind. Even if you learn to manage your relationship better, it probably won’t ever be a healthy relationship.
Show Sources
Forrest Talley, PhD, Invictus Psychological Services, Folsom, CA.
Kimberly Perlin, licensed clinical social worker, Townson, MD.
UNC HealthTalk: “My Partner Has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. How Can I Cope?”
Personality and Individual Differences: “Grandiose narcissists and decision making: Impulsive, overconfident, and skeptical of experts–but seldom in doubt.”
Carla Marie Manly, PhD, clinical psychologist, Santa Rosa, CA.
GoodTherapy: “Gaslighting,” “How to Deal with a Narcissist.”
How to Deal With a Narcissist
Kendra Cherry, MS, is an author and educational consultant focused on helping students learn about psychology.
Medically reviewed
Verywell Mind articles are reviewed by board-certified physicians and mental healthcare professionals. Medical Reviewers confirm the content is thorough and accurate, reflecting the latest evidence-based research. Content is reviewed before publication and upon substantial updates. Learn more.
Rachel Goldman, PhD FTOS, is a licensed psychologist, clinical assistant professor, speaker, wellness expert specializing in eating behaviors, stress management, and health behavior change.
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/GettyImages-1195226908-5ac20a9fcc704613a6c64d571b93a395.jpg "Dealing With A Narcissist")
Table of Contents
Table of Contents
Dealing with a narcissist, whether a romantic partner, roommate, or family member, can be challenging. Learning all you can about narcissistic traits and understanding some of the ways to deal with them can help you feel better able to cope.
This article discusses what narcissism is, what it’s like to deal with someone who shows frequent narcissistic behaviors, how their behavior might affect you, and what you can do to care for your own emotional well-being.
What Is a Narcissist?
A narcissist is someone with an inflated image of themselves. A person with this quality often has such an excessive interest in their own image and appearance that they lack consideration or empathy for others.
Someone with narcissism is highly self-centered, to the point where it hurts the people around them. This makes it important to recognize the signs, enabling you to create a plan to better deal with the narcissist in your life.
Narcissism exists on a spectrum. Some people might possess high levels of narcissistic traits or engage in narcissistic behavior frequently. In other cases, people may have a condition known as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which can exhibit more extreme behaviors.
Signs You Are Dealing With a Narcissist
Everyone puts themselves first or focuses on their own needs to a certain degree, but narcissists engage in self-centered behaviors much more often and hurtfully. This can be confusing, painful, and damaging to the people who deal with them.
To deal with a narcissist, the first step is to recognize the signs. Some questions you might ask yourself:
- Do they lack empathy? People with narcissism are so focused on themselves that they struggle to empathize with other people.
- Do they self-aggrandize? Narcissists have an inflated sense of self and are preoccupied with their own importance. They often exaggerate their accomplishments and importance—often to cover up their insecurity and weak sense of self.
- Are they unapologetic? Narcissists have little regard for the feelings and needs of others. They won’t apologize for hurting others—unless it benefits them in some way. For example, they may use triangulation to secure their self-esteem and devalue others.
- Do they overreact to criticism? People who are narcissistic lash out against even the slightest criticism. Rather than accepting responsibility for their own mistakes, they will blame others.
- Are they manipulative? When you are living with a narcissistic, you might often feel like you are being lied to, manipulated, or mistreated. It often seems like they will say and do anything to get what they want and what they think they deserve.
Sometimes, narcissistic characteristics are easy to recognize, but covert narcissism is more difficult to detect. The covert narcissist also has a grandiose sense of importance, exploits others, and lacks empathy, but their narcissistic behaviors are more difficult to spot.
Tips for Dealing With a Narcissist
Dealing with a narcissist can be exhausting and stressful. It can make it difficult to be comfortable in your home or workplace and can be detrimental to your mental well-being.
Finding ways to cope is important. Understanding what makes narcissists tick and exploring some key coping strategies can help you manage your relationship with the narcissist while preserving your own mental health. Whether you must deal with a narcissist at home, at work, or in a social setting, these tips can help.
Don’t Take Their Behavior Personally
Understand that the person you are dealing with may have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Experts don’t fully understand what causes NPD, but it is often linked to factors such as genetics, childhood abuse, trauma, personality, and upbringing.
People with NPD can’t change their behavior on their own and might not be able to recognize that there is a problem; they need professional help, but they rarely seek it. You might encourage them to talk to a therapist, but they likely will resist or respond negatively.
The problem is, even if you know that narcissistic behavior such as manipulation and lack of regard isn’t really about you, these behaviors tend to feel like personal attacks. Remind yourself that it’s not personal.
You aren’t to blame for their actions, and you didn’t do anything to cause them. You can encourage them to get help, but you are not responsible for supporting them or fixing their mistakes.
Establish (and Enforce) Boundaries
When you are dealing with a narcissist at home or at work, one of the most important things that you can do is to set firm boundaries. Boundaries are the things that you are willing and not willing to accept in a relationship. They are non-negotiable limits that tell others what counts as acceptable and tolerable behavior.
For example, you might make it clear that you won’t accept behaviors such as rudeness or name-calling when you are communicating with one another. If they engage in this type of behavior, the conversation will end.
Creating boundaries isn’t an effort to change the other person. Instead, these limits clarify that certain behaviors will not be tolerated. Once you set a boundary, it is important to stick with it. If the other person violates it, immediately enact the consequences.
In the example above, immediately end the conversation and walk away as soon as you can. Don’t argue or wait for them to respond. Simply end it.
Likewise, don’t make idle threats or create ultimatums that you won’t follow through on. Failing to enforce your boundaries means that the other person won’t take them seriously. If you enact the consequences, however, they’ll be more likely to believe you when you tell them you won’t accept a behavior.
Example:
“If you continue to talk to me that way, this conversation is over.” The moment they engage in the behavior they have been warned about, leave the situation as quickly (and safely) as you can.
It is also important to be aware that setting and maintaining your boundaries is an ongoing process. Remind people what your boundaries are and keep enforcing them.
Watch for Gaslighting
In dealing with a narcissist, you may have noticed a behavior known as gaslighting. People who engage in this type of manipulation deny reality in a way that causes you to doubt yourself and your experiences.
- They might deny saying things or suggest that they were just joking and you are being too sensitive.
- They might undermine your confidence by suggesting that you don’t know what really happened or by accusing you of misinterpreting or overreacting to the situation.
- In other cases, they might simply deny the things they have done or said.
Dealing with gaslighting isn’t easy, particularly when it is your word against theirs. One way to cope is to keep records of events by writing them down, keeping paper documents that corroborate your experiences, or enlisting others to witness your conversations with the other person. This is particularly important in the workplace, where a competitive narcissist might accuse you of bad or incompetent behavior to curry favor with coworkers and bosses.
When they do try to gaslight you, make it clear that you know what you are doing and that you won’t tolerate it—again, creating a boundary.
Boost Your Self-Esteem
A narcissistic person often undermines others to boost their sense of self. This can be particularly damaging when the person is always running you down in subtle and non-subtle ways. The workplace is especially vulnerable to this kind of behavior.
To help ensure that you have the mental strength to cope, make sure that your self-esteem remains healthy, even in the face of challenges. Keep an assertive attitude; narcissists gravitate toward people who enable their antics.
However, remember that people with low self-esteem, weak boundaries, or a shaky sense of self aren’t the only ones who end up in situations with narcissists. You understandably might be drawn to what seems like confidence and charisma at the beginning of a relationship, but later recognize these traits as narcissism the more you get to know the person.
Keeping your self-esteem high and keeping an assertive stance, even if the narcissist tries to manipulate and undercut you, can help you navigate the more interpersonally harmful behaviors.
Build your own confidence by:
- Engaging in positive self-talk
- Forgiving yourself for your mistakes
- Surrounding yourself with supportive people who believe in you
- Advocating for yourself
- Treating yourself with kindness and respect
Find Support
Dealing with a narcissist’s dysfunctional and sometimes abusive behavior can be exhausting. Maintaining healthy relationships with others who are caring and supportive is especially important when you have a relationship with a narcissist, whether they’re a roommate, family member, romantic partner, or coworker.
Having other people you can turn to talk about what you are coping with can be a way to get emotional support and perspective. Look for healthy relationships with other people in which you listen to one another. You should feel free to be your real self around them, secure in the knowledge that they accept you for who you are.
At work, resist the urge to gossip and vent; remember, the narcissist is adept at turning your words against you. However, do keep your superior apprised of the narcissist’s behavior privately to help circumvent the narcissist’s efforts to undermine you.
Recap
Social support can help offset the stress of dealing with a narcissist. Confiding in people you trust is an important way to gain support and strength.
When to Leave
Toxic relationships can have a seriously detrimental impact on your mental well-being. If being around the narcissist is causing you distress and making it difficult to function normally, consider ending the relationship. This might mean leaving the situation altogether.
If the situation has turned abusive or otherwise dangerous, seek help as soon as possible. Don’t expect the narcissist to change on their own; the cycle of abuse/love bombing is likely to continue until the narcissist gets the help they need.
If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates.
For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
Getting Help
Whether you are still living with a narcissist or have gotten out of the relationship, talking to a mental health professional can be helpful. Look for a therapist who has knowledge and experience in dealing with narcissism. Your therapist can offer insight and help you better understand your situation and experiences.
They can also help you work on coping and communication skills that will help you effectively deal with a narcissist. For example, they might help you learn to recognize signs of gaslighting, work on establishing clear boundaries, and practice being assertive and standing up for yourself.
A therapist can also help you deal with the emotional aftermath of having lived with a narcissist once you are safely free of the situation. If you are experiencing symptoms of anxiety, depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), your therapist can recommend appropriate treatments that can help, which may include psychotherapy, medication, or a combination of both.
Recap
Living with a narcissist can take a serious toll on your mental wellness. Talking to a therapist can help you process and understand your experience.
A Word From Verywell
Living with a narcissist isn’t easy. It can be exhausting and difficult, but there are things that you can do to stay strong, supported, and mentally healthy.
Remember that you’re not the problem and don’t take their behaviors personally. Create strong boundaries, protect your self-esteem, and seek out healthy relationships with people who understand what you are going through.
Finally, remember that you don’t have to wait for a relationship to become toxic to end it. Oftentimes, getting out of the situation is the best thing that you can do for your mental well-being.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
- American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th ed. Washington, DC; 2013.
- Cleveland Clinic. Narcissistic personality disorder.
- Kacel EL, Ennis N, Pereira DB. Narcissistic personality disorder in clinical health psychology practice: case studies of comorbid psychological distress and life-limiting illness. Behav Med. 2017;43(3):156-164. doi:10.1080/08964289.2017.1301875
- Love Is Respect. What are my boundaries?
- Thomas L. Gaslight and gaslighting. The Lancet Psychiatry. 2018;5(2):117-118. doi:10.1016/S2215-0366(18)30024-5
By Kendra Cherry
Kendra Cherry, MS, is an author and educational consultant focused on helping students learn about psychology.
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